Marriage and the Power of Seeing Each Other as Individuals

Marriage is a sacred union, but it’s also the coming together of two unique, whole individuals. When we forget this, the marriage can begin to fracture. Misguided interpretations of Scripture, like the idea that “two become one” (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:6), sometimes perpetuate the idea that individuality disappears within the union. In reality, this oneness is about purpose and shared life—not the loss of personal identity.

The Bible provides a richer, more nuanced example of how to nurture individuality within a relationship, and it starts with the way God listens to His Son, Jesus.

God’s Example of Listening to Jesus

Throughout His life, Jesus prayed to His Father with deep, repetitive petitions. In the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked three times for the same thing:

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39-44)

Jesus’ prayers likely echoed similar themes throughout His life, especially as He faced challenges and burdens. But what was God’s response? Did He dismiss Jesus or tell Him He felt the same way? No. God always listened, always sent strength, and always affirmed Jesus as an individual. For example, after Jesus’ baptism, God proclaimed:

“This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17)

This model of listening—truly seeing the other person as an individual with unique needs and feelings—is foundational to a healthy relationship.

Marriage Requires Seeing and Listening

In many marriages, one partner might feel unheard or misunderstood, even when there is regular conversation. Why does this happen? Often, it’s because the focus shifts from truly understanding the other person to finding a way to relate through one’s own experience.

For example, when a spouse says, “I feel overwhelmed and unseen,” a typical response might be, “I feel the same way, and here’s what’s been going on with me.” While this response might be well-meaning, it inadvertently shifts the focus away from the spouse who needs empathy. Instead of feeling supported, they feel dismissed.

To build a marriage where both partners thrive, consider these two practices:

1. Husbands, Listen Like You’ve Never Heard Her Before Husbands are often instructed to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25), which means listening to her, seeing her, and empathizing with her unique struggles. This love is sacrificial and requires intentional focus. Instead of responding with solutions or your own perspective, offer presence and empathy:
   “That sounds so hard. I’m sorry you feel that way. What can I do to support you?”
2. Wives, Listen Like You’ve Never Heard Him Before Similarly, wives are encouraged to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). Respect begins with listening without judgment or assumptions. Husbands, too, need to feel valued as individuals, not just as providers or partners. When he opens up, respond with the same grace and care:
   “Thank you for sharing that with me. I didn’t realize you felt that way—what can I do to help?”

God’s Example of Sending Strength

When Jesus prayed in the Garden, God sent an angel to strengthen Him (Luke 22:43). This is a powerful example of responding to someone in need: acknowledging their struggle and offering them what they need to continue.

Marriage should mirror this. When one partner is vulnerable, the other should respond with empathy, affirmation, and love. Dismissing or redirecting the conversation undermines trust and intimacy, whereas true listening builds a bridge back to connection.

The Consequences of Misunderstanding

If one partner consistently feels misunderstood or ignored, the marriage begins to erode. They may stop sharing altogether, knowing they won’t receive the support they need. This creates emotional distance, which can spiral into resentment or even separation.

Imagine if God had responded to Jesus with: “I feel the same way, but we have to push through. Get back out there, we need this win.” The relationship would have been transactional rather than relational, and Jesus might not have felt strengthened to fulfill His mission.

Practical Steps for a Stronger Marriage

1. Practice Active Listening: Reflect on what your spouse is saying without interrupting or adding your own perspective.
2. Show Empathy: Respond with validation and love, not solutions or comparisons.
3. Ask Questions: Show genuine interest in their feelings and experiences.
4. Make Time for Each Other: Regularly prioritize meaningful, distraction-free conversations.
5. Pray Together: Invite God into your marriage and ask for His guidance in becoming better listeners and partners.

Conclusion

Marriage flourishes when both partners are seen, heard, and valued as individuals. God’s relationship with Jesus offers a perfect example: consistent listening, affirmation, and empathy. As you apply these principles, remember the words of Paul:

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)

By honoring your spouse as a unique person with individual thoughts and feelings, you can create a marriage that reflects the love and grace of God—one that strengthens both partners and the union they share.